Parenthood is not always the 2.5 children and a white picket fence. I would like to say it is RARELY like that, and I am no June Cleaver :) Past the brown hair (wait, June had brown hair, didn't she? Now I have to go check), we are almost nothing alike. I do believe that parenting today has all the same, and more challenges than it did in the 50's. I do wonder how often other parents stepped in poop back then.
That's right, I have finally had the dubious pleasure of stepping in my own child's poop. Honestly, it took almost 6 years to happen, and one would wonder what took so long? Especially since both of my children are day potty trained. Neither of my kids ever took their own diapers off and played in poop, and up to this point, the only problem we had was when Bishop was first learning to wipe his own bottom, would get poop on his fingers and wipe it off on the wall. Yeah, that happened too.
Two evenings ago, as the children were being tucked in by Zach, I went to go into the bathroom to clean up the bath-time mess, and my foot squished and slid. I am not going to lie, I knew it was poop. Did I yell or panic or be incredibly disgusted? Nope. I calmly yelled for Zach to bring me the Clorox wipes to help me clean off my foot so I didn't have to hop around the house with poop on my foot. I calmly wiped the poop off, then cleaned the floor.
I am actually more worried about how calm I was and accepting of the situation than I am about how the poop got there. I actually know how, so that mystery is solved. Sweet Cadence wears a pull up at nap time, and when she woke up, she had pooped in it, and went into the bathroom to go potty. Meanwhile, as she took the diaper off herself, the poop fell out of it, to lurk in the doorway, waiting for someone to step in the exact right place. Zach went in to help her clean up after she went potty, and didn't notice that the poop mysteriously disappeared from the diaper. I would like to think I wouldn't overlook such a thing, but alas, this has never actually happened before.
I feel like the calmness is a symptom. I am just going to call the over shadowing thing here "Motherhood" and my strange ability to step in human feces without screaming and freaking out about it is just a symptom of this. There are many, MANY things about motherhood that are astonishing to me. I am always overwhelmed by the incredible amount of love I have for my children, as well as my ability to calmly say things like, "Stop licking my leg" and "Stop swinging in the car" and "If you don't stop jumping on Bishop like that, you can't have any milk. Ever again."
Milk is always a good leverage with the smallest one in the house. And by smallest, I mean Ashlyn.
Just kidding, she doesn't jump on him, she is more likely to poke him in the eye, which he would think is hilarious. And milk is an excellent bargaining tool with a 5 month old :D
Anyways, I am always amazing at the things I am willing to do and go through for my kids. The least of which is stepping in their poop. Apparently, it is time to nap-train the little girl.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Setting an expectation
As you may have picked up by now, I can let myself get a tinsey-tiny bit neurotic about things related to my kids. Well, at least with the first one :) C has had a much easier go of things than B ever did. It explains a few personalities quirks of his. Anyways, right around the time B was walking and getting into things, I started looking into discipline. I am going to go out on a limb here, and expect to be lynched, but guess what? We are pro-spanking.
Go ahead, block me. Call CPS. Do whatever you think you need to in order to protect my kids from us. I much prefer to hang out with my kids who behave themselves than kids who don't. Now, discipline is a HUGE hot button issue for many parents, so I am just going to tell you what we believe, and where it comes from. I am not telling you it is the right way, or the only way, it is just our way.
Now, I was sort of spanked growing up. I say that, because, in all honesty, my parents weren't super with discipline. If I was in trouble with my dad, my mom would give me tips on ways to get out of trouble. As an adult, it has always been huge to me that Zach and I are a united front. We are the parents. We don't let the kids get away with things, or play us against each other. They do try, I won't say they are perfect by any means. They are kids; it's to be expected from them. So a united front has always been a big deal to me.
I knew that B, as a toddler, didn't need to be spanked. More than anything, he needed to be redirected to other things. I also knew that there would come a time that he DID need to be spanked. And I knew that before that time came, I needed a game plan. So I turned to some mommy blogs, some discipline workshops, various books, and asked people I trusted (READ: Who had kids I wanted mine to be like) what they did to keep their kiddos in line.
The truth? There are TONS of ways to discipline your children. You have to find what works for you, AND them. This is what I did:
First, I read the Bible. Unfortunately, there are only a few places in the Bible that tell you how to train your children, and discipline them. There is no "What to do when your 20-month old is screaming like a banshee in Walmart" in there. Probably because their stores had different names back then ;)
Back on track here. So I read the Bible, then I read some other books, then I took a Love and Logic training, then I read some more. I really like lists and wanted to make a list of rules. Like 'No Running in the House' and 'No Hitting'. But then I realized a list would not be helpful for someone who can't read. I considered picture representation of the rules. Also not helpful. Then I realized I needed to stop being so rule-oriented.
So I went back to the Bible. One of the only scriptures that speaks directly to children is Ephesians 6:1, and it simply states "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right."(NIV)
Well, that wasn't a list of do's and don'ts, which is more what I was looking for, but it would have to work. So instead of a list of hard and fast rules, I set a guideline. B was to obey us. That has been our bottom line since...well, since he started getting into trouble. As he got older and was started talking, we would reiterate to him that he was to obey us, the first time. I can still hear his little voice, when he was in trouble. I would ask why he was in trouble, he would tell me, and I would ask, "B, when are you supposed to listen to Mommy?" and he would answer in his little toddler voice, "The first time!"
Now, that being said, we do have rules in the house, and they are the typical ones. But I have realized that for kids, it comes back to their hearts. I want my children to have obedient hearts. I want to be able to tell them what is expected, and have them obey, the first time. That is not easy, and we don't have it perfected by ANY means. B still thinks he can talk his way out of things (HA!) and C will fall apart if you tell her she is wrong/has been bad and so on. But we have put in the time and miles into our kids that we are starting to reap the rewards of it. I don't worry about taking my children in public or out to eat, because they know what behavior is expected of them, and they know the consequence they will receive if they disobey.
So yes, we sometimes spank. We sometimes do time out. We sometimes have to do extra chores or get things taken away. But we ALWAYS obey. It makes it easier on me, and gives me more flexibility in the situation when I have asked them to obey, and they don't. There are so many elements that come into training our children, and this is the absolute foundation for us. Our children are called to obey us, and all will be well for them.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
There is no manual, so stop looking
When I was pregnant with B, I was certain that I was not only going to be the best mom, the most caring, giving, nurturing woman who ever gave birth; I was also certain that my son would be perfect. How could he not be when I was going to do everything right?
Pacifiers? Bottles? Co-sleeping? Prepackaged? Tantrums? Epidural? Not sleeping through the night?
Absolutely not. This list is actually a VERY condensed version of all the things the I would NEVER do to my child.
You see, I went into parenting with the idea that I could control every single aspect of his life. And for the first few months, I certainly could. I was very clear in my 5-page birth plan on how they were to treat my child when he was born, how he was never to be out of my husband or I's presence. How they were to not give him a pacifier, or offer him a bottle, no matter how starving he was or how much he cried (by the way, he did neither starve nor cry, but that's not the point).
I had read the books. And not just the What to Expect book that everyone reads. I read MANY MANY books on childbirth, on sleep training (HA!!), on pregnancy, on everything I could get my hands on at the time. And looking back, it wasn't bad that I had done so. I wanted to be prepared, and I wanted to know as much as possible about being a mom. I have no younger siblings. Yeah, I babysat, but I knew that was nothing in comparison to actually having a child who lived with me. I was pretty sure that most things would come naturally to me, and I just wanted to be really clear about the details.
Then on May 8th, I gave birth to my beautiful son, and within 2 weeks, realized I could not be a mother.
Well, obviously I was a mother, but I was pretty sure that everyone who wrote all those books that told me how to do all those things had never actually had children. Because nothing worked. Yeah, I never gave him a pacifier, and yeah, he never had a bottle, but I struggled to nurse that kid for several months before finally getting the hang of it.
You know that feeling of instant bonding, or know that your child belongs to you...yeah, I got that. But I was not maternal. I didn't know how to make him stop crying. I couldn't figure out why he took an hour and a half to eat, why he never slept unless I was holding him, and why I was constantly feeling like I couldn't do anything right with him. I clearly missed an important part of childbirth or something. The part that turns on the "Mom Switch" so that I could be the mom I knew I was supposed to be.
And to be honest, 6 years later? That switch doesn't exist. At least not for me. Maybe some women, upon becoming mothers, are instantly aware of how to calm their infant, what their baby needs at all times, and the best way to get that baby into the maze of clothing infants wear. I have had to figure it out step by step, day by day.
The more I talk to women, the more I realize that we all have the same issues. Yeah, some things might come easier for some moms, but by and large, our children do not come with manuals. There is no such thing. And we do each other a HUGE disservice by acting like we know what is going on all the time, instead of being more transparent with each other.
The first Sunday that we took Bishop to church, I was so excited to show off my sweet boy ( who was sleeping in 1 1/2 increments ), and though we had to be at church at 10:30, I got up at 7 am. And you know what? It took every second of those hours to get ready. When we got to church, I was so exhausted already, I needed a nap. My sweet child, of course, was sleeping in his car seat, and I was extremely nervous that the music or noises would wake him up, and I wouldn't be able to calm him down. Did I enjoy the service. Heck no. I was on pins and needles the whole time.
It was so important to me that everyone could see how perfect we were as a family, how adorable my child was, how well groomed I was, having only given birth 3 days before. And we did look good. Bishop was clean and cute, I had showered and curled my hair. I had make up on.
And I was telling other moms, or soon to be moms, that it was effortless to have a baby. When really, it was all I could do to get out of the house that morning. Do I think I should have shown up in dirty sweats with my hair in a pony tail? No. But I don't think I did myself or anyone any favors by pretending to have everything together.
Did it get better? Of course it did! I figured it out. But I never told anyone what a struggle it was daily to be a mom. How hard it was for me to keep my head on straight most of the time. What's even better? Those books were not helpful. All the ones that told me how to get him to sleep, how to feed him, how much activity he needed daily. All they did was make me feel like I was failing. B didn't sleep through the night until he was 2 1/2. He still takes forever to eat food. You know what helped me the most? My mom friends. The ones who would sit and talk with me about how we haven't slept in 2 years, how the last time we showered was...a while ago, and how we felt like we had no idea what we were doing most of the time.
And it was ok. It's ok to feel lost, or like you have no idea what to do for your children. Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. And coming through it, I have realized that all the things that seem like THINGS when I first had him? Don't even matter. And they work themselves out in time. Your child will eventually sleep. They will eat when they are hungry. If they don't poop today, chances are good they will tomorrow, or the next day. Teeth already? No teeth yet? It will happen when it is supposed to.
It isn't a matter of being a lazy parent. I used to think that about other parents. That they were being lazy by being so blaze about development or milestones or any of the other things we think are so terribly important. It is about priorities. Is your child well? Is your family functioning? Is your marriage ok? Then do whatever you need to in order to stay in that place. Does it mean you give your child a pacifier? Who cares? Or that you supplement with formula? So what?! Co-sleep? Hey, you are sleeping, right?! It comes down to making sure that everyone is healthy and happy. Everything else falls into line. Stop stressing about the things that aren't real things, and start realizing that parenting is a day by day process, and those days tend to run together. You will get it figured out. Don't worry. And find a mommy friend who is willing to be honest with you about their child.
Pacifiers? Bottles? Co-sleeping? Prepackaged? Tantrums? Epidural? Not sleeping through the night?
Absolutely not. This list is actually a VERY condensed version of all the things the I would NEVER do to my child.
You see, I went into parenting with the idea that I could control every single aspect of his life. And for the first few months, I certainly could. I was very clear in my 5-page birth plan on how they were to treat my child when he was born, how he was never to be out of my husband or I's presence. How they were to not give him a pacifier, or offer him a bottle, no matter how starving he was or how much he cried (by the way, he did neither starve nor cry, but that's not the point).
I had read the books. And not just the What to Expect book that everyone reads. I read MANY MANY books on childbirth, on sleep training (HA!!), on pregnancy, on everything I could get my hands on at the time. And looking back, it wasn't bad that I had done so. I wanted to be prepared, and I wanted to know as much as possible about being a mom. I have no younger siblings. Yeah, I babysat, but I knew that was nothing in comparison to actually having a child who lived with me. I was pretty sure that most things would come naturally to me, and I just wanted to be really clear about the details.
Then on May 8th, I gave birth to my beautiful son, and within 2 weeks, realized I could not be a mother.
Well, obviously I was a mother, but I was pretty sure that everyone who wrote all those books that told me how to do all those things had never actually had children. Because nothing worked. Yeah, I never gave him a pacifier, and yeah, he never had a bottle, but I struggled to nurse that kid for several months before finally getting the hang of it.
You know that feeling of instant bonding, or know that your child belongs to you...yeah, I got that. But I was not maternal. I didn't know how to make him stop crying. I couldn't figure out why he took an hour and a half to eat, why he never slept unless I was holding him, and why I was constantly feeling like I couldn't do anything right with him. I clearly missed an important part of childbirth or something. The part that turns on the "Mom Switch" so that I could be the mom I knew I was supposed to be.
And to be honest, 6 years later? That switch doesn't exist. At least not for me. Maybe some women, upon becoming mothers, are instantly aware of how to calm their infant, what their baby needs at all times, and the best way to get that baby into the maze of clothing infants wear. I have had to figure it out step by step, day by day.
The more I talk to women, the more I realize that we all have the same issues. Yeah, some things might come easier for some moms, but by and large, our children do not come with manuals. There is no such thing. And we do each other a HUGE disservice by acting like we know what is going on all the time, instead of being more transparent with each other.
The first Sunday that we took Bishop to church, I was so excited to show off my sweet boy ( who was sleeping in 1 1/2 increments ), and though we had to be at church at 10:30, I got up at 7 am. And you know what? It took every second of those hours to get ready. When we got to church, I was so exhausted already, I needed a nap. My sweet child, of course, was sleeping in his car seat, and I was extremely nervous that the music or noises would wake him up, and I wouldn't be able to calm him down. Did I enjoy the service. Heck no. I was on pins and needles the whole time.
It was so important to me that everyone could see how perfect we were as a family, how adorable my child was, how well groomed I was, having only given birth 3 days before. And we did look good. Bishop was clean and cute, I had showered and curled my hair. I had make up on.
And I was telling other moms, or soon to be moms, that it was effortless to have a baby. When really, it was all I could do to get out of the house that morning. Do I think I should have shown up in dirty sweats with my hair in a pony tail? No. But I don't think I did myself or anyone any favors by pretending to have everything together.
Did it get better? Of course it did! I figured it out. But I never told anyone what a struggle it was daily to be a mom. How hard it was for me to keep my head on straight most of the time. What's even better? Those books were not helpful. All the ones that told me how to get him to sleep, how to feed him, how much activity he needed daily. All they did was make me feel like I was failing. B didn't sleep through the night until he was 2 1/2. He still takes forever to eat food. You know what helped me the most? My mom friends. The ones who would sit and talk with me about how we haven't slept in 2 years, how the last time we showered was...a while ago, and how we felt like we had no idea what we were doing most of the time.
And it was ok. It's ok to feel lost, or like you have no idea what to do for your children. Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. And coming through it, I have realized that all the things that seem like THINGS when I first had him? Don't even matter. And they work themselves out in time. Your child will eventually sleep. They will eat when they are hungry. If they don't poop today, chances are good they will tomorrow, or the next day. Teeth already? No teeth yet? It will happen when it is supposed to.
It isn't a matter of being a lazy parent. I used to think that about other parents. That they were being lazy by being so blaze about development or milestones or any of the other things we think are so terribly important. It is about priorities. Is your child well? Is your family functioning? Is your marriage ok? Then do whatever you need to in order to stay in that place. Does it mean you give your child a pacifier? Who cares? Or that you supplement with formula? So what?! Co-sleep? Hey, you are sleeping, right?! It comes down to making sure that everyone is healthy and happy. Everything else falls into line. Stop stressing about the things that aren't real things, and start realizing that parenting is a day by day process, and those days tend to run together. You will get it figured out. Don't worry. And find a mommy friend who is willing to be honest with you about their child.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Train v. Parent
Hello again! This is my post for the week, as I am not counting the introductory post. This is a topic that I think is important to get a solid understanding of very early on. Whether you are a parent of a teenager, an elementary school kiddo, or just plan to procreate at some point in your life, you need to get this straight as soon as possible.
There is a difference between training and parenting.
I know this because anyone with working ovaries and a uterus can be a parent (well...you know, plus a couple other important components), but it is not all that common anymore to find parents who are training their children. Which is sad. And part of the reason we have such a HUGE rate of problems with kids ranging from talking back, to premarital sex, to drugs, to...basically all the things we never want our kids to be involved with.
And just because you have children, you are not a naturally trainer. I have legs, but boy, I am not a runner. Could I be? Is there a zombie chasing me? Yeah, not a runner.
We are not called to parent our children. The Bible doesn't tell us to go forth, and parent. It tells us to train our children. So let me ask you, have you ever trained for something?
Thinking back to my time in high school, it seems like I was constantly training for things. I wasn't a big time athlete, I was a cheerleader (ya, ya), but I was also on the Debate, Speech, and Aca-Deca team (just in case you were momentarily doubting my intelligence). But my experience on all of those teams taught me something about training: it requires repetition. I had to do something over and over and over and over to get it right, or ready to perform. We would practice for HOURS to get a dance ready that lasted 2 minutes. I would give my speech to a wall over and over until there was never a place that I couldn't just pick it up and start again.
I was training. I have a friend who ran a marathon. Actually, I have a few friends who have, but the one I am talking about in particular, while training for the marathon, would run for 4+ hours every single day to get her body ready. She was training her muscles for endurance, and in order for her to get the pay out of finishing that marathon, she had to put in the hours of running (by the way, this is a perfect definition of hell in my mind, I have no idea why anyone would ever chose to do something like this) everyday.
We as parents have to put in those hours with our children. Because training doesn't mean that we teach them something once, and they get it, and we move on to the next concept. Training is time and labor intensive. My son was not born knowing how to go to the bathroom in the toilet. I trained him and my daughter to do so. They also didn't know how to brush their own teeth, put their clothes on, feed themselves...actually, let's be honest, babies can do nothing past cry to express what they need. As they get older, they become easier to understand, and more intentional, eventually learning to talk to tell us what is going on.
But in the process, you go from having a completely helpless infant, to (someday) a high school graduate who is leaving your home, hopefully equipped with tools to not just survive, but thrive in life.
Training is labor some. It requires you to do something. I can't tell B how to make his bed. I have to show him. And probably hand over hand, show him. And actually, I will probably have to hand over hand help him the first several times. And supervise the next several. And double check the next several.
And you know what? He is probably going to mess up somewhere in those several. And do you know what my gut reaction is? I can just fix it for him while he runs off to play. But if I chose to do that, chose to allow him to not do it correctly for his abilities (he's five here), I am doing a great disservice to him.
Not only to him and our family now, but his future roommates, spouse, boss, and children. Teaching our children what I think of as learned helplessness ("You know what sweetie, you can never make your bed as well as Mommy, go play and I will do it for you") is basically telling them they are good enough, smart enough, or capable enough to do things themselves.
And at some point, I want my children to leave my house. Love them as I do, I have great plans for when they are gone that don't include calling them in the morning to make sure they wake up to go to work. And if I want that to happen in 13 years (*GASP*) I have to teach them now.
I am not a drill sargent about any of this, because my children are 5 and 3. And B still puts his shirts on backwards. Do I fix it for him? At this point, I just mention it's backwards, and he does it himself. But there was a point that, every morning, for months, we would look at each piece of clothing, find where the tag is, and figure out where that tag goes in reference to our body (ahem, it always goes to our backs, just in case you were wondering.). This is a skill that Cadence is learning (orienting tag to body). Would it be easier to just dress them everyday? Of course! I know where the tag goes, I can just pull the clothes on them in under 5 minutes, and be out the door.
I am also closing in on 30, so thank goodness I have that skill acquired. But my 3 year old doesn't. And if I am ever going to stop dressing her, she needs too.
Training is purposeful teaching. It also happens over and over for all the years that our children live in our homes.
I deep down in my guts believe that more than anything else we are supposed to do with our children, we are to train them. Which brings me to my next point, of who is training who here? My children have lots of idea and opinions about things in life. C is very solid on how she plans on dressing, how her hair should be done, what shoes she is going to wear every day. And I adore that! I encourage her to make all the choices that she wants in a context that I am willing to let her make them. But there comes a point that I am her parent, and there are times when she has to follow what I say. And sometimes, I have to make choices on her clothing that she doesn't agree with. Anyone want to guess who wins?
Me, of course! But not all parents are great about sticking to their guns. And this is where we train ourselves. I love saying yes to my kids. I love playing and doing things, and being extra silly, and singing as loud as we can to music, and dancing through the house. Love it. I also love telling them no. Ok, that's not 100% true. But I don't mind telling them no, either. I know that we say yes more often than no. I would hope that means that our kids will respect the no more as they get older. Currently, I have master manipulators living in my household, who will go to great lengths to change that no to a yes.
Children are great at getting their parents to do what they want. So we have to make sure that our no really means no, always. And that is really hard. Especially when it would be so much easier to say yes, when you know that you could finish cooking dinner in peace if you say yes, that by saying no, you are going to cause a ruckus with your children that is going to require you to stop what you are doing to deal with it.
Say no anyways. Our children need to be trained to understand that when mom and dad say no, we mean it. This isn't a skill that we have mastered in the Ivey house, and honestly, I don't know if it is one that gets mastered in the first 15-20 years for some kids. But when you tell your child no, you have to be willing to back it up. Even if it means they whine, or cry, or throw a fit. Even if they tell you that you are the worst mom (that happened for the first time recently!), or that they will never talk to you again (uh, can I hold them to the quiet? Can I?).
No has to mean no. That's a whole other topic for another time, but don't for one minute believe that these sweet little angels that we are living with will be easy to train. So we have to be firm in what we say, and stick with it.
Training literally means to teach a skill or behavior through practice and instruction over a period of time. It takes months to train for a marathon. It takes years to train our children. I would be willing to bet that the training doesn't end.
We will just chalk that up to the 2,843 things no one told me about kids before I had them. Kids take constant work, and repeated training.
There is a difference between training and parenting.
I know this because anyone with working ovaries and a uterus can be a parent (well...you know, plus a couple other important components), but it is not all that common anymore to find parents who are training their children. Which is sad. And part of the reason we have such a HUGE rate of problems with kids ranging from talking back, to premarital sex, to drugs, to...basically all the things we never want our kids to be involved with.
And just because you have children, you are not a naturally trainer. I have legs, but boy, I am not a runner. Could I be? Is there a zombie chasing me? Yeah, not a runner.
We are not called to parent our children. The Bible doesn't tell us to go forth, and parent. It tells us to train our children. So let me ask you, have you ever trained for something?
Thinking back to my time in high school, it seems like I was constantly training for things. I wasn't a big time athlete, I was a cheerleader (ya, ya), but I was also on the Debate, Speech, and Aca-Deca team (just in case you were momentarily doubting my intelligence). But my experience on all of those teams taught me something about training: it requires repetition. I had to do something over and over and over and over to get it right, or ready to perform. We would practice for HOURS to get a dance ready that lasted 2 minutes. I would give my speech to a wall over and over until there was never a place that I couldn't just pick it up and start again.
I was training. I have a friend who ran a marathon. Actually, I have a few friends who have, but the one I am talking about in particular, while training for the marathon, would run for 4+ hours every single day to get her body ready. She was training her muscles for endurance, and in order for her to get the pay out of finishing that marathon, she had to put in the hours of running (by the way, this is a perfect definition of hell in my mind, I have no idea why anyone would ever chose to do something like this) everyday.
We as parents have to put in those hours with our children. Because training doesn't mean that we teach them something once, and they get it, and we move on to the next concept. Training is time and labor intensive. My son was not born knowing how to go to the bathroom in the toilet. I trained him and my daughter to do so. They also didn't know how to brush their own teeth, put their clothes on, feed themselves...actually, let's be honest, babies can do nothing past cry to express what they need. As they get older, they become easier to understand, and more intentional, eventually learning to talk to tell us what is going on.
But in the process, you go from having a completely helpless infant, to (someday) a high school graduate who is leaving your home, hopefully equipped with tools to not just survive, but thrive in life.
Training is labor some. It requires you to do something. I can't tell B how to make his bed. I have to show him. And probably hand over hand, show him. And actually, I will probably have to hand over hand help him the first several times. And supervise the next several. And double check the next several.
And you know what? He is probably going to mess up somewhere in those several. And do you know what my gut reaction is? I can just fix it for him while he runs off to play. But if I chose to do that, chose to allow him to not do it correctly for his abilities (he's five here), I am doing a great disservice to him.
Not only to him and our family now, but his future roommates, spouse, boss, and children. Teaching our children what I think of as learned helplessness ("You know what sweetie, you can never make your bed as well as Mommy, go play and I will do it for you") is basically telling them they are good enough, smart enough, or capable enough to do things themselves.
And at some point, I want my children to leave my house. Love them as I do, I have great plans for when they are gone that don't include calling them in the morning to make sure they wake up to go to work. And if I want that to happen in 13 years (*GASP*) I have to teach them now.
I am not a drill sargent about any of this, because my children are 5 and 3. And B still puts his shirts on backwards. Do I fix it for him? At this point, I just mention it's backwards, and he does it himself. But there was a point that, every morning, for months, we would look at each piece of clothing, find where the tag is, and figure out where that tag goes in reference to our body (ahem, it always goes to our backs, just in case you were wondering.). This is a skill that Cadence is learning (orienting tag to body). Would it be easier to just dress them everyday? Of course! I know where the tag goes, I can just pull the clothes on them in under 5 minutes, and be out the door.
I am also closing in on 30, so thank goodness I have that skill acquired. But my 3 year old doesn't. And if I am ever going to stop dressing her, she needs too.
Training is purposeful teaching. It also happens over and over for all the years that our children live in our homes.
I deep down in my guts believe that more than anything else we are supposed to do with our children, we are to train them. Which brings me to my next point, of who is training who here? My children have lots of idea and opinions about things in life. C is very solid on how she plans on dressing, how her hair should be done, what shoes she is going to wear every day. And I adore that! I encourage her to make all the choices that she wants in a context that I am willing to let her make them. But there comes a point that I am her parent, and there are times when she has to follow what I say. And sometimes, I have to make choices on her clothing that she doesn't agree with. Anyone want to guess who wins?
Me, of course! But not all parents are great about sticking to their guns. And this is where we train ourselves. I love saying yes to my kids. I love playing and doing things, and being extra silly, and singing as loud as we can to music, and dancing through the house. Love it. I also love telling them no. Ok, that's not 100% true. But I don't mind telling them no, either. I know that we say yes more often than no. I would hope that means that our kids will respect the no more as they get older. Currently, I have master manipulators living in my household, who will go to great lengths to change that no to a yes.
Children are great at getting their parents to do what they want. So we have to make sure that our no really means no, always. And that is really hard. Especially when it would be so much easier to say yes, when you know that you could finish cooking dinner in peace if you say yes, that by saying no, you are going to cause a ruckus with your children that is going to require you to stop what you are doing to deal with it.
Say no anyways. Our children need to be trained to understand that when mom and dad say no, we mean it. This isn't a skill that we have mastered in the Ivey house, and honestly, I don't know if it is one that gets mastered in the first 15-20 years for some kids. But when you tell your child no, you have to be willing to back it up. Even if it means they whine, or cry, or throw a fit. Even if they tell you that you are the worst mom (that happened for the first time recently!), or that they will never talk to you again (uh, can I hold them to the quiet? Can I?).
No has to mean no. That's a whole other topic for another time, but don't for one minute believe that these sweet little angels that we are living with will be easy to train. So we have to be firm in what we say, and stick with it.
Training literally means to teach a skill or behavior through practice and instruction over a period of time. It takes months to train for a marathon. It takes years to train our children. I would be willing to bet that the training doesn't end.
We will just chalk that up to the 2,843 things no one told me about kids before I had them. Kids take constant work, and repeated training.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Dig in!
Is raising a child like war? No. Well, probably not. Okay, maybe there are times that it definitely feels like a battle. But this parenting thing is supposed to be easy, and come naturally, and be such a perfect extension of ourselves, right?
And all the parents in the room laugh themselves off their chairs, as the non-parents look around wondering what could be wrong with that statement, which seems correct.
Parenting is the hardest, longest, messiest, most emotional up-hill battle that I have ever witnessed and taken part in. There is nothing about it that has ever come easy to me, except for my deep love for my children. Past that, if anyone had ever had an honest sit-down discussion with me before I had children on the countless nights of no sleep, no showering, no personal space, personal time, personal anything, added to the 800 lbs of guilt about everything related to my children that I would go through in the first many years of their lives, I would have peace'd out long ago. But no one did.
And at one point, I was a scared 23 1/2 year old, rocking a baby in the middle of the night, suddenly hit by the sheer enormous responsibility that this baby was in my life. And then I realized that no one tells you any of this on purpose because most of us smarty pants would never have children if we knew better. But I didn't know better. And I can tell you that I am *probably* a better person for it.
I have been rolling the idea of this blog around in my mind for several years, not because I am by any means an expert. At all. But because I sincerely believe that we are to train our children, not just 'parent' them. Also because I so wish that there was someone that had a little more wisdom than me when I was starting out that could just tell me all the things that everyone else knows, but you have to learn for yourself. Like not all diapers are created equal. Like that your children are like wild animals and can smell your fear. That not all mom's are naturally maternal. *raises hand* That being a mom doesn't come 'natural' to all of us, and for some of us, we have to fight tooth and nail to get any of this mommy-ing stuff down.
Hello?
Can you imagine the looks on people's faces if you ever just responded to their, "Oh, how's the new baby?" questions with the truth? "Yeah, I haven't slept 2 consecutive hours in over 3 days, I have throw up in my hair, on my shirt, and probably somewhere on my bra, which constantly smells of milk, no matter how often I wash it. No part of my body hasn't been taken over by this child in some way or another since before it's birth, and I think I am losing my mind because I can't remember almost anything that has happening in the last 2 weeks from sleep deprivation. And like that's not bad enough, I have no idea what I am doing with this tiny bundle of human that someone thought I was mature enough to be in charge of for the REST OF MY LIFE. I am NOT responsible enough. Can you just take him back? Is there a return policy? I don't know where my left shoe is. I'm sorry, what was your real question? Oh right, we are doing great!"
I see new mommies lugging their car seats with the cute covers, their ginormous diaper bags that the baby could live out of until their first birthday, sporting the manic smile that we all get at some time, claiming over and over that "Everything's fine!"
Oh sweetie. Most of us have been there. I so wish that we as women didn't have this huge feeling that we constantly need to put up the show of being super mom. None of us are. And those moms that look like they have their crap together all the time? They don't, either. They just are really good at hiding it.
So my intention with this blog is to honestly share some training tricks and tips that I have come across that have helped me, who is not super mom, who still struggles with the maternal thing, and constantly feels like I am messing up in one area or another. This is a safe place. With lots of coffee.
And all the parents in the room laugh themselves off their chairs, as the non-parents look around wondering what could be wrong with that statement, which seems correct.
Parenting is the hardest, longest, messiest, most emotional up-hill battle that I have ever witnessed and taken part in. There is nothing about it that has ever come easy to me, except for my deep love for my children. Past that, if anyone had ever had an honest sit-down discussion with me before I had children on the countless nights of no sleep, no showering, no personal space, personal time, personal anything, added to the 800 lbs of guilt about everything related to my children that I would go through in the first many years of their lives, I would have peace'd out long ago. But no one did.
And at one point, I was a scared 23 1/2 year old, rocking a baby in the middle of the night, suddenly hit by the sheer enormous responsibility that this baby was in my life. And then I realized that no one tells you any of this on purpose because most of us smarty pants would never have children if we knew better. But I didn't know better. And I can tell you that I am *probably* a better person for it.
I have been rolling the idea of this blog around in my mind for several years, not because I am by any means an expert. At all. But because I sincerely believe that we are to train our children, not just 'parent' them. Also because I so wish that there was someone that had a little more wisdom than me when I was starting out that could just tell me all the things that everyone else knows, but you have to learn for yourself. Like not all diapers are created equal. Like that your children are like wild animals and can smell your fear. That not all mom's are naturally maternal. *raises hand* That being a mom doesn't come 'natural' to all of us, and for some of us, we have to fight tooth and nail to get any of this mommy-ing stuff down.
Hello?
Can you imagine the looks on people's faces if you ever just responded to their, "Oh, how's the new baby?" questions with the truth? "Yeah, I haven't slept 2 consecutive hours in over 3 days, I have throw up in my hair, on my shirt, and probably somewhere on my bra, which constantly smells of milk, no matter how often I wash it. No part of my body hasn't been taken over by this child in some way or another since before it's birth, and I think I am losing my mind because I can't remember almost anything that has happening in the last 2 weeks from sleep deprivation. And like that's not bad enough, I have no idea what I am doing with this tiny bundle of human that someone thought I was mature enough to be in charge of for the REST OF MY LIFE. I am NOT responsible enough. Can you just take him back? Is there a return policy? I don't know where my left shoe is. I'm sorry, what was your real question? Oh right, we are doing great!"
I see new mommies lugging their car seats with the cute covers, their ginormous diaper bags that the baby could live out of until their first birthday, sporting the manic smile that we all get at some time, claiming over and over that "Everything's fine!"
Oh sweetie. Most of us have been there. I so wish that we as women didn't have this huge feeling that we constantly need to put up the show of being super mom. None of us are. And those moms that look like they have their crap together all the time? They don't, either. They just are really good at hiding it.
So my intention with this blog is to honestly share some training tricks and tips that I have come across that have helped me, who is not super mom, who still struggles with the maternal thing, and constantly feels like I am messing up in one area or another. This is a safe place. With lots of coffee.
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