Setting an expectation

As you may have picked up by now, I can let myself get a tinsey-tiny bit neurotic about things related to my kids. Well, at least with the first one :) C has had a much easier go of things than B ever did. It explains a few personalities quirks of his. Anyways, right around the time B was walking and getting into things, I started looking into discipline. I am going to go out on a limb here, and expect to be lynched, but guess what? We are pro-spanking.

Go ahead, block me. Call CPS. Do whatever you think you need to in order to protect my kids from us. I much prefer to hang out with my kids who behave themselves than kids who don't. Now, discipline is a HUGE hot button issue for many parents, so I am just going to tell you what we believe, and where it comes from. I am not telling you it is the right way, or the only way, it is just our way. 

Now, I was sort of spanked growing up. I say that, because, in all honesty, my parents weren't super with discipline. If I was in trouble with my dad, my mom would give me tips on ways to get out of trouble. As an adult, it has always been huge to me that Zach and I are a united front. We are the parents. We don't let the kids get away with things, or play us against each other. They do try, I won't say they are perfect by any means. They are kids; it's to be expected from them. So a united front has always been a big deal to me. 

I knew that B, as a toddler, didn't need to be spanked. More than anything, he needed to be redirected to other things. I also knew that there would come a time that he DID need to be spanked. And I knew that before that time came, I needed a game plan. So I turned to some mommy blogs, some discipline workshops, various books, and asked people I trusted (READ: Who had kids I wanted mine to be like) what they did to keep their kiddos in line. 

The truth? There are TONS of ways to discipline your children. You have to find what works for you, AND them. This is what I did:

First, I read the Bible. Unfortunately, there are only a few places in the Bible that tell you how to train your children, and discipline them. There is no "What to do when your 20-month old is screaming like a banshee in Walmart" in there. Probably because their stores had different names back then ;)

Back on track here. So I read the Bible, then I read some other books, then I took a Love and Logic training, then I read some more. I really like lists and wanted to make a list of rules. Like 'No Running in the House' and 'No Hitting'.  But then I realized a list would not be helpful for someone who can't read. I considered picture representation of the rules. Also not helpful. Then I realized I needed to stop being so rule-oriented. 

So I went back to the Bible. One of the only scriptures that speaks directly to children is Ephesians 6:1, and it simply states "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right."(NIV) 

Well, that wasn't a list of do's and don'ts, which is more what I was looking for, but it would have to work. So instead of a list of hard and fast rules, I set a guideline. B was to obey us. That has been our bottom line since...well, since he started getting into trouble. As he got older and was started talking, we would reiterate to him that he was to obey us, the first time. I can still hear his little voice, when he was in trouble. I would ask why he was in trouble, he would tell me, and I would ask, "B, when are you supposed to listen to Mommy?" and he would answer in his little toddler voice, "The first time!"

Now, that being said, we do have rules in the house, and they are the typical ones. But I have realized that for kids, it comes back to their hearts. I want my children to have obedient hearts. I want to be able to tell them what is expected, and have them obey, the first time. That is not easy, and we don't have it perfected by ANY means. B still thinks he can talk his way out of things (HA!) and C will fall apart if you tell her she is wrong/has been bad and so on. But we have put in the time and miles into our kids that we are starting to reap the rewards of it. I don't worry about taking my children in public or out to eat, because they know what behavior is expected of them, and they know the consequence they will receive if they disobey.

So yes, we sometimes spank. We sometimes do time out. We sometimes have to do extra chores or get things taken away. But we ALWAYS obey. It makes it easier on me, and gives me more flexibility in the situation when I have asked them to obey, and they don't. There are so many elements that come into training our children, and this is the absolute foundation for us. Our children are called to obey us, and all will be well for them.