Train v. Parent

Hello again! This is my post for the week, as I am not counting the introductory post. This is a topic that I think is important to get a solid understanding of very early on. Whether you are a parent of a teenager, an elementary school kiddo, or just plan to procreate at some point in your life, you need to get this straight as soon as possible.

There is a difference between training and parenting.

I know this because anyone with working ovaries and a uterus can be a parent (well...you know, plus a couple other important components), but it is not all that common anymore to find parents who are training their children. Which is sad. And part of the reason we have such a HUGE rate of problems with kids ranging from talking back, to premarital sex, to drugs, to...basically all the things we never want our kids to be involved with.

And just because you have children, you are not a naturally trainer. I have legs, but boy, I am not a runner. Could I be? Is there a zombie chasing me? Yeah, not a runner.

We are not called to parent our children. The Bible doesn't tell us to go forth, and parent. It tells us to train our children. So let me ask you, have you ever trained for something?

Thinking back to my time in high school, it seems like I was constantly training for things. I wasn't a big time athlete, I was a cheerleader (ya, ya), but I was also on the Debate, Speech, and Aca-Deca team (just in case you were momentarily doubting my intelligence). But my experience on all of those teams taught me something about training: it requires repetition. I had to do something over and over and over and over to get it right, or ready to perform. We would practice for HOURS to get a dance ready that lasted 2 minutes. I would give my speech to a wall over and over until there was never a place that I couldn't just pick it up and start again.

I was training. I have a friend who ran a marathon. Actually, I have a few friends who have, but the one I am talking about in particular, while training for the marathon, would run for 4+ hours every single day to get her body ready. She was training her muscles for endurance, and in order for her to get the pay out of finishing that marathon, she had to put in the hours of running (by the way, this is a perfect definition of hell in my mind, I have no idea why anyone would ever chose to do something like this) everyday.

We as parents have to put in those hours with our children. Because training doesn't mean that we teach them something once, and they get it, and we move on to the next concept. Training is time and labor intensive. My son was not born knowing how to go to the bathroom in the toilet. I trained him and my daughter to do so. They also didn't know how to brush their own teeth, put their clothes on, feed themselves...actually, let's be honest, babies can do nothing past cry to express what they need. As they get older, they become easier to understand, and more intentional, eventually learning to talk to tell us what is going on.

But in the process, you go from having a completely helpless infant, to (someday) a high school graduate who is leaving your home, hopefully equipped with tools to not just survive, but thrive in life.

Training is labor some. It requires you to do something. I can't tell B how to make his bed. I have to show him. And probably hand over hand, show him. And actually, I will probably have to hand over hand help him the first several times. And supervise the next several. And double check the next several.

And you know what? He is probably going to mess up somewhere in those several. And do you know what my gut reaction is? I can just fix it for him while he runs off to play. But if I chose to do that, chose to allow him to not do it correctly for his abilities (he's five here), I am doing a great disservice to him.

Not only to him and our family now, but his future roommates, spouse, boss, and children. Teaching our children what I think of as learned helplessness ("You know what sweetie, you can never make your bed as well as Mommy, go play and I will do it for you") is basically telling them they are good enough, smart enough, or capable enough to do things themselves.

And at some point, I want my children to leave my house. Love them as I do, I have great plans for when they are gone that don't include calling them in the morning to make sure they wake up to go to work. And if I want that to happen in 13 years (*GASP*) I have to teach them now.

I am not a drill sargent about any of this, because my children are 5 and 3. And B still puts his shirts on backwards. Do I fix it for him? At this point, I just mention it's backwards, and he does it himself. But there was a point that, every morning, for months, we would look at each piece of clothing, find where the tag is, and figure out where that tag goes in reference to our body (ahem, it always goes to our backs, just in case you were wondering.). This is a skill that Cadence is learning (orienting tag to body). Would it be easier to just dress them everyday? Of course! I know where the tag goes, I can just pull the clothes on them in under 5 minutes, and be out the door.

I am also closing in on 30, so thank goodness I have that skill acquired. But my 3 year old doesn't. And if I am ever going to stop dressing her, she needs too.

Training is purposeful teaching. It also happens over and over for all the years that our children live in our homes.

I deep down in my guts believe that more than anything else we are supposed to do with our children, we are to train them. Which brings me to my next point, of who is training who here? My children have lots of idea and opinions about things in life. C is very solid on how she plans on dressing, how her hair should be done, what shoes she is going to wear every day. And I adore that! I encourage her to make all the choices that she wants in a context that I am willing to let her make them. But there comes a point that I am her parent, and there are times when she has to follow what I say. And sometimes, I have to make choices on her clothing that she doesn't agree with. Anyone want to guess who wins?

Me, of course! But not all parents are great about sticking to their guns. And this is where we train ourselves. I love saying yes to my kids. I love playing and doing things, and being extra silly, and singing as loud as we can to music, and dancing through the house. Love it. I also love telling them no. Ok, that's not 100% true. But I don't mind telling them no, either. I know that we say yes more often than no. I would hope that means that our kids will respect the no more as they get older. Currently, I have master manipulators living in my household, who will go to great lengths to change that no to a yes.

Children are great at getting their parents to do what they want. So we have to make sure that our no really means no, always. And that is really hard. Especially when it would be so much easier to say yes, when you know that you could finish cooking dinner in peace if you say yes, that by saying no, you are going to cause a ruckus with your children that is going to require you to stop what you are doing to deal with it.

Say no anyways. Our children need to be trained to understand that when mom and dad say no, we mean it.  This isn't a skill that we have mastered in the Ivey house, and honestly, I don't know if it is one that gets mastered in the first 15-20 years for some kids. But when you tell your child no, you have to be willing to back it up. Even if it means they whine, or cry, or throw a fit. Even if they tell you that you are the worst mom (that happened for the first time recently!), or that they will never talk to you again (uh, can I hold them to the quiet? Can I?).

No has to mean no. That's a whole other topic for another time, but don't for one minute believe that these sweet little angels that we are living with will be easy to train. So we have to be firm in what we say, and stick with it.

Training literally means to teach a skill or behavior through practice and instruction over a period of time. It takes months to train for a marathon. It takes years to train our children. I would be willing to bet that the training doesn't end.

We will just chalk that up to the 2,843 things no one told me about kids before I had them. Kids take constant work, and repeated training.