There is no manual, so stop looking

When I was pregnant with B, I was  certain that I was not only going to be the best mom, the most caring, giving, nurturing woman who ever gave birth; I was also certain that my son would be perfect. How could he not be when I was going to do everything right?

Pacifiers? Bottles? Co-sleeping? Prepackaged? Tantrums? Epidural? Not sleeping through the night?
Absolutely not. This list is actually a VERY condensed version of all the things the I would NEVER do to my child.

You see, I went into parenting with the idea that I could control every single aspect of his life. And for the first few months, I certainly could. I was very clear in my 5-page birth plan on how they were to treat my child when he was born, how he was never to be out of my husband or I's presence. How they were to not give him a pacifier, or offer him a bottle, no matter how starving he was or how much he cried (by the way, he did neither starve nor cry, but that's not the point).

I had read the books. And not just the What to Expect book that everyone reads. I read MANY MANY books on childbirth, on sleep training (HA!!), on pregnancy, on everything I could get my hands on at the time. And looking back, it wasn't bad that I had done so. I wanted to be prepared, and I wanted to know as much as possible about being a mom. I have no younger siblings. Yeah, I babysat, but I knew that was nothing in comparison to actually having a child who lived with me. I was pretty sure that most things would come naturally to me, and I just wanted to be really clear about the details.

Then on May 8th, I gave birth to my beautiful son, and within 2 weeks, realized I could not be a mother.

Well, obviously I was a mother, but I was pretty sure that everyone who wrote all those books that told me how to do all those things had never actually had children. Because nothing worked. Yeah, I never gave him a pacifier, and yeah, he never had a bottle, but I struggled to nurse that kid for several months before finally getting the hang of it.

You know that feeling of instant bonding, or know that your child belongs to you...yeah, I got that. But I was not maternal. I didn't know how to make him stop crying. I couldn't figure out why he took an hour and a half to eat, why he never slept unless I was holding him, and why I was constantly feeling like I couldn't do anything right with him. I clearly missed an important part of childbirth or something. The part that turns on the "Mom Switch" so that I could be the mom I knew I was supposed to be.

And to be honest, 6 years later? That switch doesn't exist. At least not for me. Maybe some women, upon becoming mothers, are instantly aware of how to calm their infant, what their baby needs at all times, and the best way to get that baby into the maze of clothing infants wear. I have had to figure it out step by step, day by day.

The more I talk to women, the more I realize that we all have the same issues. Yeah, some things might come easier for some moms, but by and large, our children do not come with manuals. There is no such thing. And we do each other a HUGE disservice by acting like we know what is going on all the time, instead of being more transparent with each other.

The first Sunday that we took Bishop to church, I was so excited to show off my sweet boy ( who was sleeping in 1 1/2 increments ), and though we had to be at church at 10:30, I got up at 7 am. And you know what? It took every second of those hours to get ready. When we got to church, I was so exhausted already, I needed a nap. My sweet child, of course, was sleeping in his car seat, and I was extremely nervous that the music or noises would wake him up, and I wouldn't be able to calm him down. Did I enjoy the service. Heck no. I was on pins and needles the whole time.

It was so important to me that everyone could see how perfect we were as a family, how adorable my child was, how well groomed I was, having only given birth 3 days before. And we did look good. Bishop was clean and cute, I had showered and curled my hair. I had make up on.

And I was telling other moms, or soon to be moms, that it was effortless to have a baby. When really, it was all I could do to get out of the house that morning. Do I think I should have shown up in dirty sweats with my hair in a pony tail? No. But I don't think I did myself or anyone any favors by pretending to have everything together.

Did it get better? Of course it did! I figured it out. But I never told anyone what a struggle it was daily to be a mom. How hard it was for me to keep my head on straight most of the time. What's even better? Those books were not helpful. All the ones that told me how to get him to sleep, how to feed him, how much activity he needed daily. All they did was make me feel like I was failing. B didn't sleep through the night until he was 2 1/2. He still takes forever to eat food. You know what helped me the most? My mom friends. The ones who would sit and talk with me about how we haven't slept in 2 years, how the last time we showered was...a while ago, and how we felt like we had no idea what we were doing most of the time.

And it was ok. It's ok to feel lost, or like you have no idea what to do for your children. Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. And coming through it, I have realized that all the things that seem like THINGS when I first had him? Don't even matter. And they work themselves out in time. Your child will eventually sleep. They will eat when they are hungry. If they don't poop today, chances are good they will tomorrow, or the next day. Teeth already? No teeth yet? It will happen when it is supposed to.

It isn't a matter of being a lazy parent. I used to think that about other parents. That they were being lazy by being so blaze about development or milestones or any of the other things we think are so terribly important. It is about priorities. Is your child well? Is your family functioning? Is your marriage ok? Then do whatever you need to in order to stay in that place. Does it mean you give your child a pacifier? Who cares? Or that you supplement with formula? So what?! Co-sleep? Hey, you are sleeping, right?! It comes down to making sure that everyone is healthy and happy. Everything else falls into line. Stop stressing about the things that aren't real things, and start realizing that parenting is a day by day process, and those days tend to run together. You will get it figured out. Don't worry. And find a mommy friend who is willing to be honest with you about their child.